Dear Lee #4: Online dating with intention
App burnout and a gentle guide for meeting people in person again
Welcome to Dear Lee, the advice column where we dive into topics like shifting habits after leaving wellness and letting go of how our Instagram content will perform. Each month, I answer a question from a reader. This column is for paid subscribers only. Want your question answered? Submit yours here.
Dear Lee,
I love watching your evolution and have been for years now. This newsletter is especially inspiring.
As someone who is reflecting on and views our digital lives critically (as we all should, in my opinion), what do you think about online dating? Tinder, Bumble, Hinge. I‘m 31 years old and admittedly, very skeptical/critical and also at times annoyed by the increasingly digital character of our world.
Especially dating in our (post?-) pandemic world, where meeting people is more difficult. It’s challenging for someone like me who doesn’t feel comfortable being swiped on nor swiping on others.
In your opinion: Are we living in a time that requires putting oneself on these apps to be seen by potential dating partners and if so, how do you go about online dating (if at all) in a way that is a little less uncomfortable/spooky?
– Sensible Swiper
Dear Sensible Swiper,
Thank you for writing this in, I love this question. I do believe we are living in a world where many of our practiced human interactions are turning digital — and in turn we are more disconnected and lacking face to face time — but I also believe there is a way to approach online dating with intention and purpose.
It requires patience, perspective, awareness, and a bit of humor, but dating apps can be a supportive option for folks for various reasons. Maybe they don’t drink. Maybe they don’t frequently find themselves in situations where people are more likely to meet organically. Maybe they are a single parent with limited time and less opportunity to casually meet folks. Maybe they have social anxiety or, for whatever reason, just don’t feel comfortable meeting people IRL. The apps help with all of that.
It sounds like the online dating you are put off by is the type that demands (and encourages) constant swiping, snap judgment, the feeling of being put into a catalog—just one of many who your potential love interest is swiping across.
But I invite you, Sensible Swiper, to shift your perspective here. Keep reading for tips on when to know when you’re hitting your emotional dating app limit and some tips for approaching people IRL from a friend who does it *a lot*.