I’m Not Supposed to Say This, But I Want (and Need) a Man
Does wanting marriage/babies make me conservative? How I'm navigating the dating landscape + my evolving thoughts on owning my needs
Last week, I did a little Q+A on my Instagram page and I got the regular kinds of questions one gets, such as, “how did you get back into running?” “i am so depressed. how do I change my life instantly?”
But I also received a peculiar question that, in my opinion, perfectly encapsulates many liberal women’s thoughts and feelings right now. It deserves an entire essay on Substack—so that’s exactly what this is. Here’s the question:
The amount of DMs I got from people after posting this was otherworldy, way more than any recipe I’ve ever shared. When I posted my response, I got a few people telling me that “pro-marriage” and “pro-family” was code for “anti-LGBTQ” and “anti-abortion”.
I wanted to be sure, so I DM’d the girl who asked me the question to see if this was what she meant.
“No, I meant what I said. Like, would you marry someone who views marriage as sacred?”
“Of course I would” I responded.
Anyone can make oatmeal, but not a lot of people are willing to share what I posted above. I think this question, and my answer, triggered a feeling that many of us haven’t processed yet.
I started writing this piece months ago and initially planned to title it, “I Still Want Marriage and Babies.” It sat unfinished for a while, mostly because I was afraid to post it. The hesitation came from the same reasons so many women struggle to admit these things. Does it make us seem weak? Boring? Traditional?
Of course, we cannot ignore the current political climate and the tweet below, which sparked a conversation about 4B—a movement originating in South Korea that has since gained attention in the US. 4B urges women to not marry, have sex, have kids with, or date, men.
But first, a little background.
The desire:
I am perceived as being a strong and independent woman, or at least I put that out into the world. I still get DM’s from women that say,
“you seem so confident”
“how did you get so comfortable being single/alone?”
“can you share tips on how to be more independent?”
“I love your page because it makes me feel not alone in choosing other paths besides traditional motherhood and marriage”
Of course, most of these people don’t know me in real life. And they must not know this, so I’ll say it now:
I still want marriage and babies.
I still want marriage and babies.
I still want marriage and babies.
I’m not even interested in saying, “I can be a strong independent woman and still want marriage and babies” because I feel like even stating that suggests self-consciousness. OF COURSE YOU CAN BE STRONG AND A MOTHER… THE VERY DEFINITION OF BEING A MOTHER IS STRENGTH. AND TO BE A WIFE? JESUS CHRIST- IT LOOKS HARD. BUT I AM UP FOR THE CHALLENGE.
I have an amazing career. I have a wonderful group of friends. I have a beautiful home, a family, and a sense of self-worth. But I do not have it all. And I do not feel fulfilled, because, I want, so badly, to meet my person and start a family. I sometimes worry that it won’t happen for me “in time”, even though, yes, I’ve frozen my eggs. Freezing eggs has not eradicated that fear for me, even a year later, as I write here.
Whenever I walk down the street and hear a voice in my head saying, “I will be alone forever,” I remind myself, “You’re not so unique that love could happen for everyone else but not for you.”
As in, stop thinking you’re the exception: for good things, and for bad. If your neighbor and everyone else in your life has found love, take it as a sign that it can happen for you, too.
I am turning 35 in two months. There is something about this age, 35, that is giving me pause. 35, to me, means a fully grown adult woman. There are mothers of three who are 35.
If and when I talk about my dating life to other women, I hear varying degrees of “advice”, such as:
“Don’t rush it.”
“Don’t come on too strong with what you want, guys will run.”
“Stop looking and it’ll come.”
“Engage in 3-4 hobbies each week, and take every opportunity to go on blind dates, attend singles events, ask friends for introductions, and join networking gatherings”
“Go to therapy, work on your limiting beliefs, do EMDR, and you’ll find your person.” (Like okay A. That’s so much work B. Did Melania Trump do EMDR? How did she get married and I haven’t?!)
“You need to put yourself out there and tell a guy what you want from date number one”
“You gotta play the game, men like to hunt”
Oh my god. If there’s one thing my many years of dating and all this wildly differing advice has taught me, it seems there is no definitive answer to finding love. No formula, no roadmap. And truly—nobody knows. It’s the blind leading the blind; it’s all too easy to offer advice to people once you’re confident/settled in a loving relationship.
Like so many things in life, love is all about timing. When it finally happens, you can look back and see why it unfolded at that moment and not years earlier when you wanted it so desperately. In the end, it’s not something we control. I believe in God or a Higher Power, and I truly believe that a force out of our control, not us, determines when and how it all comes together.
Naming this desire for a husband and family is important to me. Claiming this is not the same as thinking a man will solve every issue in my life. I know that I am “whole without one”. But please, don’t tell me that I don’t need a man. I do. And that’s okay. It does not make me anti-woman! I am so tired of hearing “I am a whole person without a man”, or, “you need to love yourself before you find your person fully.”
I know I’m whole, okay?
I love myself the normal amount!
Stop putting the owness all on me!
I have done so much work on myself. I am okay and allowed to say that sure, I’m whole, but you know what would make me feel even *more complete*? Finding my husband!
Here’s where we get into the juiciness and conflict that I think many women are feeling.
I used to be afraid of my own needs, too. In my early twenties, I was in a few toxic relationships with men who treated me horrifically. And so, yes, at the ripe age of twenty-four, I needed to learn to be alone. I needed to “become whole” so that I did not settle down with a man like that. But here I am, at 34, financially stable, with a beautiful life, a wonderful career, and a host of stunning friendships, and I am so ready to combine my life with someone else equally amazing.
There is this delicate dance that the modern woman has to play. She must be strong and independent, but not too intimidating. She should exude confidence while allowing the man to take the lead. Men enjoy the “chase,” and by appearing secure and self-assured rather than overly eager, she demonstrates her value and independence, which can make her more appealing. (But also, I kind of understand that? I’m more attracted to guys who seem choosy.)
She can’t admit she needs a man in her life too badly because well, that seems needy and immediately lowers her “value”. But here I am to tell you it is okay to say you want, no, YOU NEED, a man in your life.
I live in the most liberal city in the United States, in Brooklyn New York, I feel like only .1% of women here would admit they need a man. Here is why I need one.
I want to feel taken care of
I want to feel held
I want to feel safe walking down the street
I want someone to share vows with
I want a father to my children
I want to fully give myself to a man
I want to feel supported
I want to support him
I want to give my love and make someone feel warm
I want to share my experiences and help a man feel successful