The most interesting thing has been happening to me these last few weeks.
I’ve noticed this desperate feeling to experience summer and all its beauty and fleeting sweetness, as it is. But instead of being present with this desire, I feel mostly melancholy as the sunflowers rise high, a telltale sign that summer is ending soon.
Maybe it’s because I feel all of June and half of July were taken from me. First, I got covid and I was sick for a long time and wiped out just at the beginning of summer. Then, the rest of the summer was devoted to a frantic housing search in Brooklyn (which I am beyond grateful is over and I move into my new apartment this week). And suddenly, it’s August.
I am EXTREMELY tuned into the seasons of our mother Earth. So tuned in, it’s annoying to me and probably those around me. “Can’t you just be in the moment and stop thinking of the coming seasons?” NOPE. It’s like I was born to let my fellow shipmates know, “AUTUMN IS ‘ROUND THE CORNER, MATIES!” that would have been my role if I were on a ship crew. I’d be the first one to notice the shifting sun, the color of the clouds, the way the wind blew. Those little remarkable moments that let us know time is passing.
Last week in NYC, I noticed the faintest shift of light. The sun hung in the sky differently. Lower. I can’t explain it, but it was just this autumnal shift. I also noticed at my local park that lots of trees are shedding their leaves. The Citibike stations are covered in dead leaves. Yes, it may be because there is a drought atm. But, that doesn’t mean that fall isn’t also coming. My heart sank. I felt sad, lost, like I was trying to hold water and it was slipping through my hands.
A realization like this may make some people savor the remaining moments of long nights and dewy mornings, but I am built different. Listen, there is nothing I want more than to BE in summer and live it up. But the last few weeks, as soon as I am about to do something fun and summer-y, I start thinking of a time in the future where I will really enjoy it even more, thinking, “well, you’re going on that beach trip last weekend of August so that should be THE BEST. This is only a preview!” What kind of madness is this? Is this some sort of late-stage capitalism living-in-a-big-city-and-can’t-enjoy-my-leisure-time hell? Or just the human condition of, well, not being present and living in the past and future?
This thought pattern is robbing me of the here and now. Going for a swim, or eating fried clams and onion rings at the beach with my father, I’m thinking of something a month ahead.
If you know me, you know I am a summer baby, and I struggle with seasonal depression. I come alive every April after wintering another winter. Summer is here, and it’s right now. Thinking about the future is taking away from my present. I hope writing this down helps me reclaim my time and my presence during one of the most joyful times of year (for me, at least!)
I hear Dashboard Confessional’s “so long sweet summer” playing